When Love Becomes A Lie ( Unmasking the Narcissist in Your Life)

When Love Becomes A Lie ( Unmasking the Narcissist in Your Life)
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You’ve met the man of your dreams. They are EVERYTHING you’ve ever wanted. They shower you with affection and attention. In a world  full of  gamers and players  THEY magically want and desire EVERYTHING you want in a relationship.

They want exactly the same relationship that your do. From similar communication styles to your vision for the future, you both agree on just about everything. You have truly found your soul mate.

They tell you how beautiful you are. They tell you that “staring at you is their favorite past time.”

They open your doors for you. They have a way of making you feel special and the center of the world. They tell you, “ I’ve have never felt this way so quickly with anyone before.” You feel so comfortable with them and they with you.

They feel so comfortable with you that they begin to tell you about their past relationships and how they have somehow been victimized either by an ex-lover or family member.

Whether it be that their ex-lover was a crazy lunatic that totally left them traumatized by cheating on them or tried to kill them. The possibly may have a story of about a family member that somehow abused them.

They have painted themselves as a victim. This by the way, is not by accident. Narcissist will many times paint themselves as a victim so that you will feel sorry for them.

Let the scam begin. Don’t be deceived they are scam artist, attempting to rob you of your happiness, your self esteem, your money or anything else they need to feed their ego and their power.

In the beginning, they shower you with daily phone calls where you talk for hours. You get multiple flirty, romantic texts throughout the day telling you how much they miss you.

They even pick out “your love song” they tell you every time they hear it, it reminds them of the two of you. You may even inspire them so, that they’ll send you poetry to really ramp it up.

There are romantic dinners, late night kisses at romantic hideaways. Your heart is spinning from the insanity of this world wind love affair; However, your head is sending out signals that something just isn’t quite right.

The signals are telling you this is going way to fast. All of this feels so good but on some gut level you know something feels a little off.

You ignore it them all.

There are alarms bells going off in your head telling you that this is just to good to be true. There are red flags EVERYWHERE, but you choose to ignore them.

You ignore them for many reasons. Some of the reasons you ignore them are because you are a good person and want to see the good in people, even when there isn’t any good to be found.

You ignore them because you want to believe that this person is who they say they are. You ignore them because you are lonely and want to find true love. You ignore them because your self esteem is at an all time low.

There are many reasons why you fell for this situation, but the reality is what you experienced was anything but true love. You were targeted.

You were Love Bombed.

You were targeted because you are kind. If you are attractive you were targeted because you made the narcissist look good. If you are regarded highly by others, you were targeted to increase the narcissists social status.

You were targeted because you are loving. You were targeted because you are forgiving. You were targeted because the narcissistic perceived your kindness as weakness.

You were targeted because you may have some codependency issues. There are many reasons why he choose you.

The narcissist needs a steady stream of what’s called narcissistic supply to feed their ego. That supply can come in the form of money, increase in social status, sex and continuous ego stroking with praise and adoration from others.

They will seek to target those who can provide this type of supply to them. That is their ONLY motivation. They use and manipulate people to gain narcissistic supply from them.

These are only a few potential reasons that the narcissist choose you. It is important to realize that this was not your fault and you did nothing wrong. When you wise up, and you will, you will be stronger, wiser and better .

You will learn to trust your instincts the next time because you will know what to look out for.

The reason that the narcissist seemed so perfect for you and was everything that you ever wanted in a mate is because they mirrored you. They listened intently to every that you said in the beginning when you first met and they mirrored every thing you said you wanted in a significant other.

Yes, they mirrored every single detail, this is why you felt you had met your soul mate. They gave you every thing YOU said you wanted in a man.

You literally were falling for a version of yourself.

You see the narcissists does not show their true self . They craft themselves into who ever they need to be, to manipulate people, and yes that meant you and me too.Their true self is buried deep inside them and is hidden by their self hatred of who they really are.

They really have a hatred and envy of people who are happy and healthy and will set out to destroy people that they envy. If you are successful in any way, the narcissist secretly hates that. It represents everything they are not. They can not let the world see the cowards that they really are, so they hide their true self to the rest of the world. Plain and simple they aren’t nice people at all.

There are three distinct phases of an intimate relationship with a narcissist and the emotional abuse they impose upon their targets. There is the idealization, aka the love bombing phase, the devalue phase and the discard phase. I talked about the idealization phase in the beginning.

This is where the love bombing takes place. It is the phase where the narcissist targets you and showers you with all of the attention and affection to reel you in. They will mirror everything you want in a man or woman.

They are grooming you to get from you what ever it is that they see they can use to feed their egos. They do not care for you, they are con artists. It is important for you to understand that the person that you met in the beginning of this relationship is a FACADE, they are not real.

The feelings for you they may have professed weren’t real, the intimacy they faked wasn’t real. It was all a lie.

The person that you started having feelings for was never real. It was a person they made up, for you to fall in love with. A narcissist can not manipulate or abuse you if you don’t have romantic feelings toward them.

They also attempt to use sex in the same manner. In this stage, it is critical for them to hook you in their sick game and plan for you. If they can’t get you to fall in love with them or hook you with sex, their plan can’t work.

I know this sounds harsh but I am sorry this is the way people who have narcissistic personality disorder think. Make no mistake about it.

NPD is a mental disorder. It is not a normal state of being. The sooner you understand that, the sooner you will understand the abuse that you suffered.

The love bombing phase usually last several weeks to several months depending upon the coping skills of the narcissists. A typical hallmark of a relationship is with a narcissist is that in the beginning it is very intense and fast from the very beginning.

They can only keep up the façade for so long, because remember this is not their true self. The mask will come off eventually.Count on it.

Once the narcissists feels they have you in their clutches you will start to slowly see their mask fall. Once the masks falls you will find them cold and calculating.

Once the narcissist’s mask began to fall, you will find yourself constantly trying to get the person back to the way they were in the beginning. The problem is they can’t because that person never really existed.

No matter how many times you fight and break up and you take them back as they plead, you will never again see the person you saw in the beginning. This is a HUGE red flag, that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist.

It is important for me to add, that so many woman, including myself, and men get caught in love bombing phase. This is what keeps them in an emotionally abusive relationship with the narcissist. They remember what it was like in the beginning and hold on to that façade.

It felt so GOOD in the beginning and that is what we become addicted to.

The feelings that they have are real, but unfortunately they fell for an illusion that wasn’t real. The feelings you have were real, the illusion just wasn’t. Do NOT continue to fall for the illusion or their potential.

In order to free yourself, you must learn how to deal with the reality of who they ARE and NOT who you thought they were or hope they will be. 

They don’t have real relationship potential.  What they are giving you now it all you will ever get from a narcissist. The only potential a narcissist will ever actualize is the ability to continue to manipulate their partners become they continue to allow them to.

You will continue to get what you’ve got as long as you continue to give them permission to emotionally abuse you.

You didn’t ask for this abuse and you don’t deserve it BUT you MUST take responsibility for your part in this  dance NOW or it will continue to happen in this relationship and the ones in the future. 

Narcissist aren’t interested in doing the work to heal their wounds and deal with their issues like the rest of us. Narcissists are mentally disordered individuals who would much rather destroy people they envy. Yes, they secretly hate their romantic partners for possessing characteristics they lack.

I am sorry to say. Narcissist are resistant to treatment because they don’t see themselves as having a problem. They will not seek treatment and most certainly  will not do the necessary work to change.

If they are ever forced into therapy it is only to manipulate a situation to get a desired result. This is why the narcissist in your life will very rarely come with a diagnosis. It is critical that you know the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder to protect yourself.

Once the narcissists becomes comfortable that they have you hooked, the next stage will begin…

The next phase is the devalue. In the devalue phase you will start to see behaviors that are inconsistent with the person that they initially showed you. In the beginning they may have told you that they would never lie to you. All of sudden you will start to catch them in all kinds of lies.

Huge red flags.. Narcissists lie, that’s how they continue to hide their true identity, it’s how they manipulate.

You will also notice that the sensitive person that use to care about your feelings, is now very dismissive about how feel. In fact, now every time you try and voice your concerns about something the narcissist will accuse you of being to sensitive or are over reacting.

After the love bombing is over the narcissist will start to devalue you. In this phase the narcissist will attempt to wear you down and tear you apart. This is where the emotional abuse begins. Many people in this type of relationship do not see the abuse while they are in it.

When I meet my narcissistic ex, I didn’t see it. I made excuses for his behavior and felt sorry for him. No doubt many of you experienced this as well. You certainly are not alone.

The narcissist has carefully painted themselves to you as a victim from their prior relationships. If you are a very empathetic person, you may find yourself making excuses for them when they emotionally abuse you. Just as I once did.

You will find yourself saying things like” if I just show them that I am not like their ex” or “if I just show them that I care for them more they will change”. You will tell yourself that they are only acting so jealous and controlling because they have been hurt. That is exactly the way the narcissist wants you to think. Their plan is working.

I know this is most likely true in your situation as narcissists play by the same rule book. It happened to me and most likely it is happening to or has happened to you.

It is important for you to understand that it is not your job to heal the wounds of anyone’s past. If a potential mate comes to you with significant issues from their past, please pass along the name of an excellent therapist, it is NOT your job to fix them.

For a narcissist, if you are a person that has an empathetic, forgiving nature, you are the perfect target for them to abuse in the devalue stage.

Can you say chaos and drama..

The devalue stage will also be marked with more chaos and drama than you have ever experienced in your life. Narcissists are not comfortable with intimacy or empathy, they lack it.

The closer you get to them the more they will find a way to start chaos and drama between the two or you.

It is very important for you to understand the pathology of the constant fighting and the constant drama the narcissist will create in your relationship. Chaos and drama is all they have known in their lives. It is an area of comfort for them.

You must STOP trying to fix and address the drama and get off the merry-go-round.

They do not care to live a life of harmony and intimacy. Such life creates boredom and terror in the mind of a narcissist. In the devalue phase, in their mind you are now to close to them and they have no other choice but to find fault with you and eventually discard you because they will not risk you exposing them for the fakes they are.

Because they lack empathy, they will eventually discard you and treat you as if you never existed, yes they are that cold.

In the beginning of the devalue phase, some of the behavior you will notice that is so different from your previous “soul mate” phase is  ,they will become very manipulative. They will try to isolate you from others. They will become very jealous of who you spend your time with.

It could involve physically keeping you away from family and friends. It could also be as simple as you talking to your friends on the phone and if they call while you are taking to your best friend they will expect you to answer their calls immediately and not make them wait.

They will lie, you will start catching them in all kinds of lies from big to small. You will also start to find that they have been lying to you the whole time.

The lies could be about the fake wonderful life they have. It could be lies about their cheating.

Yes, they do cheat.They lie, lie, lie and you will soon uncover their lies. What you do with that revelation is up to you. You can stay in this madness or reclaim your power and your peace and walk away.

They will also use projection to make you question yourself. They will project onto you what they are actually doing. You will find they will accuse you of cheating on them when you have given them absolutely no reason for them to mistrust you.

They are projecting onto to you that you are cheating either because they are doing it or thinking about doing it.

The more you try to rationale with them, they just turn things around back to you. You quickly learn that there is no winning an argument with a narcissist. You can not rationale, irrational behavior.

They will always turn it back on to you. They will always attempt to make everything your fault, even in the midst of their lying and cheating. Another HUGE Red flag.

They will become EXTREMELY possessive about your whereabouts to control you. They will be extremely jealous. Please understand this is not flattering, this behavior is meant to control you for their pleasure.

You must also understand that narcissists will impose upon you certain restriction and boundaries; However, those restrictions and boundaries do not apply to them. They are free to do whatever they desire…… It is the ultimate double standard.

You constantly feel as though you are walking on egg shells. You feel like you can never do or say anything without putting them in a bad mood. They will also exhibit narcissistic rage.

They will explode in verbal attacks against you for the smallest of things. They will start arguments from little things that normal people just would not be that upset over.

It will be gross over reaction that just will not fit whatever it is they think you did. All of this is to undermine you and make you question and doubt yourself. You will find yourself even apologizing for things you didn’t even do. This is another sign that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Many narcissist also use a technique called “gaslighting”. This is where they may make up a lie or an event and then later tell you that it never happened. This is to make the victim question their sanity and there recollection of certain events. Their intent is solely to make you think that you are going crazy.

They will also use the silent treatment as a form of punishment for you. If you don’t do what the narcissist wants you to do or they are no longer able to control you. They will stop answering your texts or telephone calls.

Yes, they got your message and NO they aren’t to busy. They smiled when they saw your desperate pleas to know where they are and why they aren’t responding They know they are hurting you they simply don’t care.

They are intentionally and purposefully ignoring you.

This is meant for you to comply with their wishes. It is also a way for the narcissist to manage down your expectations from the relationship. If they ignore your calls or texts you will become conditioned over time to expect less and less from them while they continue to do whatever it is they wish including cheating on you.

I forgot to mention….. While you are getting the silent treatment they are most likely cheating on you with someone else or grooming their next victim.

They are actually grooming their next target, the same way they groomed you. Narcissists have to have a steady supply of narcissistic supply, so never think for one minute that you are their one and only. That just isn’t realistic for you to think that way.

A narcissist can not survive without a steady stream or narcissistic supply. If isn’t getting it from you, you can rest assured he is getting it from some where else.

They will use this silent treatment time as an excuse to cheat on you and continue torturing you with their silence as a way to get you to conform. It’s a sick game they love to play. Never doubt for one minute, the narcissist simply  gets off on seeing you suffer.

They make up the rules as they go along just to string you along until they have no more use for you.

The last stage is the discard. The narcissist will discard you one way or another, if you don’t wise up first and put an end to this madness. When they discard you, it will be as if you never existed to them. It will blow your mind, because in normal breakups the other person on some level at least cared enough to miss you a bit.

The narcissist doesn’t miss you, they miss what you did for them and how you fed their ego. That’s it.

They will discard because they get bored with you, are afraid that you will expose them to others, they can no longer control you or they find someone they perceive to be a better source of supply. Either way you will eventually be discarded when you offer no more narcissistic supply for them. It is what they do.

They also, will not leave until a another source of supply has been secured.They need supply to survive. This, you may not find out until later. If you are unfortunate enough to stay on this merry-go-round, you’ll find that to be true.

You may get a formal breakup blaming the destruction of the relationship totally on you. I forgot to mention narcissist will NEVER take responsibility for anything. According to them it will all be your fault.

If they ever half way admit wrong doing, it is only because they are manipulating you and want something from you. The discard may come in the form or them just fading away. They may simply start ignoring as you  are left wondering what happened and are devastated because you can’t get closure.

This is a very favorite method for the narcissist.

They know that you are hurting and suffering for not knowing what happened and they just don’t care. In fact, because you are left wondering what happened and they just walked away leaving you hanging, that’s more fun for them.

I am not kidding, they will celebrate the pain and anguish they have caused you. It is how they feed their power at your expense.

If you never hear from them again, consider yourself lucky. Do NOT envy their new narcissistic supply person. They don’t love them or will treat them any better than they treated you.

It may seem that way on the outside because your narcissist will want to taunt you. Trust me when I say, their new target will suffer the same abuse until they wise up or the narcissist discards them.

In order for the other source of supply to stay with your ex, they will have to give up their complete identity and play by the narcissists sick rules. The narcissist will never bend their rules unless he or she is manipulating. Even then it will only last to get what they want then it back to business as usual.

The narcissist will get bored with the constant compliance and have no respect for someone always giving in. They will consider the person weak and they will suffer the same fate that you did ; However, They may keep several ex- lovers around hanging on string to play with again when they get bored, so beware…

That’s what narcissists do, they are unhappy individuals who hate and envy others who are happy or who have what they do not.. They will seek to use and destroy those they secretly hate and can not control.

Even if you did everything the narcissist wanted and demanded would get the same results eventually. You can never have a normal healthy intimate relationship with a narcissist. They simply can not give you what you want.

They lack the capacity to love other people and can only give the appearance of love while they are manipulating. In the love bombing phase they faked intimacy to reel you in. After that stage was over, that’s the only fake form of intimacy you will ever get…

A word about life after break up with a narcissist. Many times a narcissist will try and come back after a break up with you. It doesn’t matter if the break up was last week, months or years later. Once you are done with them PLEASE don’t take them back.

I don’t care how much they plead or beg that they have changed the abuse will only get worst each time you go back. Narcissist will NOT change.

Just as in the physical cycle of abuse, a narcissist is an emotional abuser. Both of these forms of abuse are the same the only difference is in physical abuse the wounds are on the outside as well as the inside. Just don’t kid yourself abuse is still abuse, no matter if it’s physical or emotional.

If you were the one who ended the relationship PLEASE, PLEASE understand that they will woo you back with a watered down version of the love bombing stage so that they can destroy you and break up with you on their terms. They are NOT coming back because they love and miss you.

Narcissist don’t like losing and if you left them, they don’t forget that and will hold a grudge and pay you back. It is another sick game they like to play.

Once you find out the truth of who this person is you must cut off all contact with the person completely. NO phone calls, No texts, No emails, No social media contact at all, NO stalking them on social media.

Contact from them may seen very innocent, believe me it is anything but. They just want to see how much control they still have over you. Block them from all of your social media pages.

Do NOT check on them just to see what they are doing it will only keep you stuck and prevent you from moving on with your life. It will only bring you harm. You have to go completely no contact. Do not try to remain friends with them, that will only serve to give them access to you to continue hurting you. Getting them completely out of your life is the only way to regain your peace of mind.

If they contact you in anyway, ignore their begging, and pleading. This will anger them as they realize that they can no longer control you. Block them from contacting you in any form.

They will say things to anger you to pull you back into their crazy making behavior. DO NOT fall for it. Do not engage in conversation with them at all. Plainly stated, do not talk to them at all. I don’t care if they call you the slut that never cared about them and make false claims that you slept with every person in your hometown.

They will try to say awful things to you to get a response out of you. They will commence a smear campaign against you to try and control the way others see you.  They will also use everything that you once told them about you against you.

Be prepared for this, it is only a tactic they are using to pull you back in. Continue to ignore them. If they show up at your home or on your job, simply tell them to leave you alone, if they do not abide by your wishes get a restraining order.

If you have children with them, have as little contact with them as possible only as it pertains to the children and do NOT let them continue to emotionally abuse them. Do not discuss your personal life with them or anything that is going on with you personally do NOT allow them to get a response out of you either positive or negative. Try to go through a third party or mediator for all of your communications with them if possible.

Do not give them a reaction to their craziness. This is what they feed off of. This is how they get fuel from you.

Any reaction from you whether it is positive or negative IS narcissistic supply and it is what they are looking to get from you. Don’t give it them, let them get it elsewhere, your days of being used to feed their ego are now over.

Be very generic in your communication, give them dry responses as not to give them the reaction from you that they seek. They will try to get a response out of you by saying things to make you angry, do not allow them to toy with you, this is what they live for.

They get a sick perverse pleasure out of causing pain for others, do not give them what they are looking for.

They will commence a smear campaign against you to try and control the way others see you.  They will spread lies abut you to anyone who will listen. If they can no longer control you they will attempt to control what other people think about you.

The best thing you can do for yourself is recognize the narcissist in the beginning and not allow them access into your life. They are masterful in deception and you will never beat them at their own game.

That is not because they are smarter than you are, in fact, they are not nearly as intelligent at they think they are. A person who is not personality disordered simply does have the manipulative mind that a person with narcissistic personality disorder has.

A normal person simply could not sink to that level of deception and darkness in order to manipulate people. If you don’t get the opportunity to keep them out of your life, the next thing to identify the signs of a narcissistic personality disordered person early and get out and stay out as soon as you discover you are in an relationship with a narcissist. There really is no other way.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist or have ended your relationship or have been discarded. Please seek professional help and support in your journey. Only those who have been through what you are going through or have been through will understand. Many well meaning friends will typically not understand just calling your ex a jerk.

Understanding that being in relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder is abuse and is not your ordinary relationship and your break up will not be just like an ordinary breakup. Please seek out professional help with a qualified therapist.

There is a ton of helpful information and videos on youtube to help you in your journey. You can also google support groups of narcissist abuse.

Trust me it wasn’t all in your head, there was a name for what happened to you. It’s time you started seeing it for what it really was and STOP blaming yourself.

Recognize that others have gone through exactly what you experienced. You are not alone. You will recover, you will learn to love and trust again one day but you must take time to heal and process what happened to you.

Once you call it out for the abuse it was, you can finally be on your way to healing. You can finally be on your way to being free. It took me along time to finally stop blaming myself for not knowing what he was and not protecting my heart.

You too will get there. Reading this article and others like it is your first step. Just keep going. You’ll get there one healing step at a time.

Share your comments in the section below and let me know what was your first clue that you were dating a narcissist .


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  • Beth says:

    My God. Thank you so much Tracy!
    I just ended a relationship with a Narcissist and your article has brought me to tears; tears of relief.

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Welcome Home Queens! I am Tracy Lynn, blog owner and registered nurse. This blog is for single women of all ages. It is all about love, self-empowerment and travel for single women. Here you will find inspiration, enlightenment and adventure. After reading your favorite posts, feel free to click on the shop menu tab at the top of the page to browse our jewelry boutique fit for a Queen. A portion of ALL products here will be donated to Wellspring Living, a non-profit residential program for young girls and women who are victims of or at risk for human trafficing in the Atlanta Georgia Area.
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