Are you trying to figure out if the person in your life is a narcissist? Did you just leave the relationship or were you discarded without any explanation and you are feeling confused, dazed, emotionally drained and broken?
Are your trying to make sense out of what happened to you, as this tornado ripped through your life?
Your relationship with a narcissist was anything but normal, your breakup with a narcissist will be anything other than a normal breakup. If you are or have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you will began to understand that he or she is not your average garden variety player.
Although, there is an increased prevalence of narcissism in males, by NO means are all narcissists males. There are many females who are narcissists and cause REAL hurt and damage to their intimate partners, without any remorse or regret. So the narcissist in your life can be male or female.
If you are scouring the internet looking for answers on the behaviors you are seeing in your relationship, you have to know that this is not the signs of a normal relationship, don’t you?
The lies, the cheating, the control, the manipulation, the jealousy, the possessiveness, and the paranoia are all apart of the narcissist’s playbook. Having you constantly walking on egg shells, the wrong doing they accused you of, the confusion, and the arguments that they always started, were all carefully orchestrated.
Have you ever experienced them never taking responsibility for the horrible things they did and said to you, always blaming you and others for THEIR actions or feeling that you could never get anything right?
Has he every attempted to isolate you from your family and friends or constantly breaking promises and dates without any explanations that make sense? Have you ever been subjected to his silent treatments or his frequent disappearing acts?
Have you ever had to endure his subtle or not so subtle put downs about everything from your weight, the clothes you wear, the way you style your hair or just about anything and everything else?
If any of the above sounds remotely familiar to you, these tactics are all apart of the narcissist’s toolbox of tricks.
There are many classifications and types of narcissists. From Overt to Covert, to Somatic and Cerebral Narcissists all of this can all be very overwhelming. In this article, I will explore the two main types of narcissists, one of the main reasons the breakup with a narcissist is so difficult and why it is critical that you immediately get out of this situation and stay out.
To be diagnosed with Narcissitic Personality Disorder, one must display five of the characteristics from the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). If you are interested in the diagnostic criteria from the DSM-5 you can visit www.psychcentral.com/personality. There you can find the criteria that is used to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Another great resource is “Knowing the Narcissist” , which can be found on facebook. There you can find informative articles written from the perspective of an actual narcissist. You can get a rare insight into the mind of the narcissist H G Tudor.
You may also listen to my interview with HG Tudor entitled ” The Narcissist Your Mother Never Warned You About” . In that interview we explore how narcissists use sex to manipulate and abuse their victims. You can access that interview by clicking the following link @ www.queenadventures.com/interviews
You can also find a ton of information by searching Youtube, on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I also highly recommend Dr. Phil’s new book, “Life Code.” In his latest book he uses common sense language to quickly identify toxic people in your life and the tactics they use to control and manipulate you.
For the sake of this article, I don’t want to get very technical on the diagnostic criteria; However, I will provide the necessary resources for follow up should you be interested. The specific type of narcissist that you are dealing with really isn’t important.
The most important thing is the feelings of abuse you experience when you are entangled with this person and the negative emotional and psychological effects they have on your life.
Unfortunately, those who have narcissist personality disorder, rarely will ever be diagnosed because they are VERY reluctant to treatment. If they are ever dragged into treatment due to being caught in repeated unacceptable behavior, it is usually because they are trying to manipulate a situation.
They will not honestly engage in the hard work necessary for self enlightenment and treatment for any extended period of time. They are reluctant to treatment because on both a subconscious and conscious, they have a false sense of self and they truly feel that there is nothing wrong with them. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions and the hurt that they have caused in the lives of others.
You may never get a definitive diagnosis of narcissist personality disorder, you may have to depend upon your gut feeling. Trust your gut, your instinct, will warn you that this person is dangerous to your emotional well being.
Your instincts, will warn you that something about this relationship is just NOT right? Listen to your gut, it is your protection and your guide.
There are two main types of narcissists, the first is the Overt narcissist. The overt narcissist is more obvious to most they come into contact with. They are the ones that are very easy to identify. They tend to be more aggressive and more grandiose.
They are the ones that loudly demand specialized treatment. They demand to be known as the most successful in a particular industry, the most attractive, the smartest or the most whatever.
The overt narcissist loudly and boldly proclaims their greatness and you can hear and see them coming miles away.
The covert narcissist is the second main type of narcissist. In my opinion, the covert narcissist in the most insidious and the most dangerous type of narcissist. They are the most dangerous because when you are entangled with this type of individual, usually only the person that is in the relationship with the narcissist can see the abuse that is actually going on.
To every one else that is not in an intimate relationship with the narcissist, they view the covert narcissist as a wonderful, caring and great all around person. The covert narcissist does a great job of painting himself as a caring, loving person to those they manipulate for their intended purpose.
Only the person that enters into an intimate relationship with the narcissist truly sees the person for the abusive, disordered person they are.
In addition, when you leave a covert narcissist or have been discarded by one, you will find yourself second guessing yourself. You will see how they falsely interact with others.
You will see them act as if they are a loving and devoted father or mother. You will see them act as if they are a devoted and respected member of their community. They may even volunteer at their local church.
You must remember this is all an act. It is an orchestration of an image to serve the narcissist’s agenda. They have projected an image of someone who has these outstanding qualities. They are only immolating these qualities in the eyes of others to manipulate them.
Narcissists wear many masks, depending upon the target or audience they are trying to manipulate. They change masks depending upon what results they are trying to achieve.
You see, if they are viewed by others as caring and selfless , it will place them in a better position to gain their trust to manipulate not on those they portray this image to, but it places them in a better position to manipulate their intimate partners. Yes, that means you, if you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist.
There within lies the danger.
It’s all so confusing. The kind person you see with other people just does not align with the person you have come to know. This is one of the main reasons it so hard to comes to terms with ending a relationship with a narcissistic partner.
It is this contradiction of image that causes victims of narcissistic abuse to be a major source of confusion and total mind “F”…
Victims second guess themselves. They start to wonder whether the narcissist is really a narcissist. They began to wonder if they were really the problem all along as the narcissist claimed.
After all, how could someone intentionally emotionally abuse, manipulate and hurt others when everyone else thinks they hung the moon and the stars. They may even fool your friends and members of your own family. They may think he or she is wonderful and you are just being to hard on them.
You will see them posting things on facebook that portrays them as a model parent or a model community member; However, upon closer examination, you would find that those very close to the narcissist know the real truth.
Even though they post an image of the perfect parent, their children, particularly their older children know the dark side they try to hide. Their younger children, are to innocent and are not equipped to see the evil that lurks within..
The narcissist will fool many people. They will have a fleet of admirers who have drank the narcissist delusional Kool-Aid. They have brought into the narcissist lies and academy award winning acting performance.
They will sing the narcissist’s praises as a kind, thoughtful individual. They just can’t understand how this person get’s so unfairly judged.
They only see the image that the narcissist portrays and they only see the narcissist at a distance. The narcissist’s does not have any real friends. To a narcissist friends are a source of fuel to be manipulated for their own personal gain.
They can be used to advance their careers, to steal from or to improve their social status. Their friendships are very superficial and their so called ” friends” only really know them on a very superficial level. If they have any friends at all…
Narcissists manage their public image not only to mold the way their audiences sees them, but they are also desperately seeking to gain an unlimited source of admiration from others. On facebook, they are looking to gain validation, likes and favorable comments on how great, and wonderful they are.
Narcissist can not survive without the steady admiration and constant attention from others. Their desire for it, is never satisfied. They create a false sense of idealized self to portray an image in an effort to desperately receive admiration from others.
That wonderful caring person they create in public, is NOT who they are..
Once you start piecing together who the narcissist is, and you discover that the person you are with is a narcissist, you must get out of this relationship and stay out. The person will never change. They do not have the insight to see that they have a problem nor will they do the necessary hard work to change.
The cycle of emotional abuse is very similar to the cycle of physical abuse. Don’t fool yourself. If you break up or are discarded by a narcissist and take them back they WILL abuse you again.
It is what they do, it is all they know how to do.
When you take them back the abuse will get worse. Each time you take them back the emotional abuse that you suffer at their hands will be worst EACH time. There will be brief honeymoon periods to hoover you back into their web of abuse, and once you are back in….the abuse will begin again.
If you take them back after a break up, it will get worst because they know that no matter what they do to you, you will always take them back. They will get an enormous sense of power in being able to hurt you and you will take them back no matter what they do to you. Is this really the message you want to send?
So many victims of narcissist abuse feel that if they can get the narcissist to share with them whatever is at the root of their behavior, then a change is possible. If they could only get the narcissists to share their feelings about their hurt then healing can happen for the narcissist.
The issue with this line of thinking is that, the narcissist works very hard to run from the core issues of their deep seeded feelings of self hatred. They do not want to see or uncover their own core issues, it would be to painful for them and would be contradictory to the false sense of self that they have worked so hard to create.
They work very hard NOT to see themselves for who they truly are. If they are not willing to see themselves for who they are, they will not be willing to allow anyone else to see who they are.
That includes you…
It is important to add that although, not all emotional abusive relationships with a narcissist escalates into physical violence, there is a greater risk for physical violence. The reason that there is an increased risk is that Narcissist will not take it lightly when they are revealed and exposed to their sea of admirers. If you have found yourself entangled with a narcissist that has a lot to lose if they are exposed, you will put yourself at risk for physical threats, violence or worst.
If your relationship has already escalated into physical violence. Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hot line at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You may also visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org to get more information on getting out of a physically abusive relationship NOW.
One final note, narcissist don’t see people as people who are deserving of love and respect, they see people as objects of manipulation for their own purposes. I know this is hard for you to understand because you are thinking with a non-disordered mind. Narcissist Personality Disorder is a mental disorder and they do not see the world and the people around them the same as someone who does not have disordered thinking.
The longer you stay with a narcissist the more of your self esteem, self love and self respect and dignity you will lose. They won’t change for you because they will never be willing to truly change.
They will forever and possibly permanently change and damage you, should you decide to stay with them even though EVERY thing in you is warning you to leave.
There is healing after the hurt, but only after you learn to trust your gut and completely remove yourself from the source of hurt, harm and humiliation. Don’t be fooled, the longer you stay in this emotional abusive relationship, the more of your self love, self esteem, self respect, self dignity they will steal from you.
Please share your comments or experiences below. I would love to hear from you.
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